What Does It Mean To "Be a Man"?

In July of 2017, I went to a conference and saw my friend Charlie sitting in the corner talking to a young boy. This didn't surprise me. His business is called Heroic Fatherhood and he loves supporting young men in particular. 

Charlie saw me and waved me over. "This is a conference attendee’s kid. He wants to interview 100 people here to learn from them!" I took this to mean I was next to be interviewed. The 13-year old boy's face was stoic, in a presumably deep state of learning or just not very expressive. But I sat down as Charlie wandered away to socialize with other conference attendees while I began answering the boy's questions.

He got to his last question. "What advice do you have for a 13-year old boy?"

I paused. This had been the year of #MeToo, and my business had seen an explosion of men confused and discombobulated with how they treat women, all the while they remain unclear how they can show up better for the women around them. I saw a lot of men question their manliness, and many struggled even with seeing me because the idea of paying for cuddling and letting their emotions show in my sessions felt like it was a sign of failure to them. Men are "supposed" to be all about sex and dominance and fast cars and showing no weaknesses, right?

I knew exactly what I wanted to tell him. I took a breath and I looked in his eyes before I gave him my one-sentence advice:

"You get to decide what being a man means to you, and you don't have to follow what someone else tells you it is."

What does it even mean to be a man? 

I think a lot of men don't know what being a man means because they subscribed to someone else's definition and they never really questioned its meaning for themselves. But that lack of questioning has led to a lot of mixed messages many men have ingrained and accepted as a whole.

Take Doctor Michael Kimmel, founding editor of the Men and Masculinities Journal. Just in his first few minutes of class, he notes the confusion that many men experience just in using a different adjective in front of the word "man":

‘“Let’s say it was said at your funeral, ‘He was a good man,’” Dr. Kimmel explained. “What does that mean to you?”

“Caring,” a male student in the front said.

“Putting other’s needs before yours,” another young man said.

“Honest,” a third said.

“Now,” he said, “tell me what it means to be a real man.”

This time, the students reacted more quickly.

“Take charge; be authoritative,” said James, a sophomore.

“Take risks,” said Amanda, a sociology graduate student.

“It means suppressing any kind of weakness,” another offered.

“I think for me being a real man meant to talk like a man,” said a young man who’d grown up in Turkey. “Walk like a man. Never cry.”

“Look at the disparity. I think American men are confused about what it means to be a man.”’

Masculinity Doesn't Mean Not Being a Man.

I see a lot of arguments against the attacks on toxic masculinity, the main one being that we don't need to fight masculinity and make men more like women...

I agree, to a point.

Speaking as a cis heterosexual white woman (which I recognize that this is responsible for limiting my views in ways I may be entirely unaware of), I don't think there is a fight against masculinity or manliness at all. I welcome the masculinity and manliness that allows the men in my life to feel true to their authentic selves. And I don't think that masculinity and being a man is necessarily the same thing.

Take these two personalities that would describe one of my guy friends and me.

One personality has these strong "masculine" traits: playing with numbers, taking action before thinking the whole picture though, being a bit of a dominant character in social circles, typically goes straight in and out of a store once they find what they need, and they have a subscription to Inc. Magazine.

The other personality has these strong "feminine" traits: getting teary-eyed over other people's big emotions, they scroll Instagram for cute dog pictures for hours, being an amazing cook, drinking pretty mixed drinks with umbrellas as their first choice of drink at a bar, and they love soft rock.

Guess which one is a fully accurate description of me? If you said the second one, you're wrong, that's my friend.

But do any of those things objectively make him a woman? No.

What does that objectively make him? Empathic, appreciative of cute dogs, a skilled baker, someone who likes mixed drinks, and someone who stole my old Coldplay CD in high school (just kidding on that last one).

"But that's not the only thing that objectively makes one a man or a woman," you might say. "People have subjective definitions of what masculinity and being a man means."

That's exactly my point!

If you're a man and accept that the very definitions of masculinity and being a man are subjective to each person, why are you letting other people tell you what you're supposed to be? If it's considered a "man's world," why are so many men letting themselves be held captive to this rigid yet ambiguous way to view themselves?

Let's Reclaim and Redefine Masculinity.

Instead of a world where men are told what makes a man and they have to fit that mold, what if they attached those traits with others in order to be a complete person? What if they say that masculinity can be liking numbers and being vulnerable with their guy friends? What if masculinity can be a dominant character and not hiding one’s love for cute dogs? What if it can be an in-and-out kind of store shopper and cooking well? What if it can be drinking pretty mixed drinks while reading Inc. Magazine?

With this expanded definition comes flexibility. How you define what a man can be could change over time. My friend may decide that mixed drinks aren't his thing anymore and start drinking Scotch tomorrow. I may finally buy a Cosmo magazine instead of an Inc. Magazine. (I highly doubt it, but it could happen). He could start favoring burlier dogs with strong features over cute dogs. He could decide that eye makeup makes him feel more himself as a man when he goes to soft rock concerts.

Ultimately, what matters more than drinks with umbrellas, sharing your emotions and being into numbers when it comes to being a man?

Being caring, understanding, respectful, and overall a decent human being.

And that's what I care about with any man I meet. It’s more than any subjective idea of what masculinity might mean for them.