What is Toxic Masculinity?

Last week we talked about masculinity and how what most men's definition of what it means to be a man doesn't allow men to express themselves in their most authentically way, and we challenged that rigidity.

We only touched upon briefly what maintaining that rigid ideal really is, especially when it relates to other people. We had in passing called it toxic masculinity.

I think this term has gained such popularity in the everyday language now that many people probably don't know what it actually means anymore. To many men, toxic masculinity challenges their belief system of what being a man is and they quickly dismiss it. This is especially true if they've had examples around them for mentors or father figures that didn't really teach them how to cope with emotions in a healthy manner.

For many people, toxic masculinity is just being a guy, and how is that toxic if that's just how they are?

If this is your line of thinking, I want to invite you to explore how it might be showing up in your life, whether you're a man or not.

You see, as I said previously, I see absolutely nothing wrong with a man being strong, showing no weakness, protecting and providing for their loved ones, drinking a hard and manly drink, and treating women with respect. In fact, I want those things for everyone, regardless of gender, that wants to be those things!

Like anything though, it's too easy to take these to the extremes. When that happens, they may not be able to have the connection, relationships, and love in their life that they want.

When I say extremes, you might think of things like sexual assault and violence, but those aren't the only things that show up when taken to an extreme.

Let's take one that many men and women might relate to:

If a man is told not to cry in front of people and show no weaknesses, that he has to be strong... when does he not have to be those things? If the answer is never, I imagine it's really hard to access healthy vulnerability with other men. I mean, if a bunch of men is told they need to be strong, not show weaknesses, or cry, who would they do any of those things in front of?

Probably not in front of other men. In fact, there's a real possibility that they may not be able to access deep emotions in a healthy way if they're suppressing them all the time. Thus the trope of men not understanding feelings.

If a bunch of men needs to be strong and not have any weaknesses or cry in front of each other, one safe place they can go to is women.

There's many a story in pop culture of the "manic pixie dream girl" saving men and helping them transform whether they fit the stereotypical mold of a man or not. Many young women feel internal pressure or conditioned from society to take on that role willingly or not—I certainly did and sometimes still do. More importantly, the manic pixie dream girl trope also limits men viewing women as someone that should take the role of personal and unpaid therapists.

"But Sam!" you might say, "I don't need a woman to save me. I just want her to listen to my feelings."

Whether they're listening, holding space, giving you advice, or coaching you through your emotional processing, any one of those and all of them at once is a humongous piece of emotional labor. Maybe when women's role in society was only to be a good wife and mother this model worked well. (I personally don't know if this model did work well.) But as women continue to self-actualize, grow in their careers, and become leaders in their communities, this massive emotional burden along with being expected to hold all those other roles is unacceptable. More and more women are beginning to reject that role out of exhaustion.

(If you're reading this and thinking, "maybe the solution is to have women just take on the role of being a good wife and mother again instead of all these other roles then," ...no, it's not. That is taking away women's autonomy to make choices for themselves and forcing them to give up their self-reliance and become dependent on men. That thought process is another example of toxic masculinity.)

In addition, women are rejecting the role to do emotional labor by default even if it's for their boyfriend or spouse. They're deferring to professionals, like therapists or life coaches. Some men will do this, but if they really believe they're not supposed to show any weaknesses, even going to a therapist is a huge risk to their identity of a "man."

If women are rejecting doing emotional labor for men who don't know how to process these feelings or find a safe place to share them, what happens when these men lose the one safe place they thought they could go to be vulnerable?

They have big emotions. Some with healthy awareness around boundaries and accepting them may feel sad or frustrated about this, but overall they'll leave the woman alone.

Some that don't will be angry and embrace that feeling by lashing out. My theory is that if they feel rejected and can't handle the emotion, they'll try to reject the women back more strongly so they don't feel as bad. If you don't believe me, there are entire threads on Reddit on this.

But in the end, men can't share their emotions with each other, women are bogged down with emotional labor that men throw on their lap, and when they try to push it away toxic masculinity rears its ugly head.

This is when then the cycle starts getting really heartbreaking and sometimes dangerous:

Some of them will try to keep going back to that woman again doing the same thing, and that can create more tension.

Some of them will try to start a relationship with the woman so they can coerce getting that emotional need met (even though, as we already established, girlfriends and spouses are rejecting that role too).

Some of them will cut the woman out of their lives completely, not knowing how to show up for their friend outside of how they want to.

Some women will do the cutting out of life first.

Some will go back to their guy friends and talk about it, but from a place of "I don't know what's wrong with her. She's crazy."

Some of them will attempt to sabotage their careers, some subconsciously without realizing it.

Some of them will send death threats when they can't get that emotional labor.

Some of them will literally kill women.

All because we took the extreme ideal of being a man that's strong and shows no weaknesses, which literally cut off any healthy masculine relationships that could have been possible for this man.

I would love to see a day when men can be vulnerable with each other and that's expected of men and considered masculine. I would love to see more men comfortable with sharing what's going on in their lives in a deeper way. I would love to see men experience more ways to access their emotions outside of relying on women. I would love to see men emotionally lean on each other more often, and not in an in passing joking way.

I don't know if men want any of those things, but I do believe that that would make many men's lives better.

In the meantime, this is one of many reasons why professionals exist. Therapists do an amazing job. Life coaches help create massive transformations.

And through my professional cuddling, I can be a support too.