What do you need from me?

One client that I've recently worked with had a really hard time asking for what he wanted in sessions. But I noticed that he really wanted liked having me wrap my arms around his back while facing away from him.

How did I know this? Because he asked me to.

Or rather, he tried to get it without asking for it by phrasing it as if he’s giving permission for me to do something.

“You know, if you want to Sam, you can lay this way and wrap your arms around my back, if you want to.”

Did I want to? Eh, I could have taken it or left it. I was happy doing what we were doing already. An older version of me would have just kept doing what I was doing and he would have walked away disappointed.

Why? Because he didn’t actually ask me to do that. He just gave me permission to do it if I felt like it. But if he took me not doing the thing it to mean that I didn’t want to touch him the way he wanted me to, he might feel lesser or like he was unworthy of that kind of touch.

And that’s not true. He just didn’t ask me to do what he wanted.

It’s a common cycle I see with many clients and it makes me want to ask them what they really want from me.

Adam Lambert gets me so much right here.

However, that’s not how this story went this time.

This time, I smiled when I heard this roundabout request and said, “Would you like me to wrap my arms around your back?”

He was taken aback at first (probably because he didn’t usually get that kind of response back), but then he said, “…Yes, I would like you to wrap your hand around my back.”

And I said, “Yes, I can do that.”

I love trying to work with people on how they can better communicate what they really want from their cuddle sessions. You put yourself in a vulnerable position by asking for touch, especially if you’re a person who never really got the opportunity to get touch growing up or if you grew up with the idea that it wasn't okay or safe for you to ask for it.

So to suddenly be in a space where you're allowed to ask for what you want can be really scary because now you’re in a position where you might be able to get what you want but I could easily say no.

Especially, if I do say no.

So many people take “no” very personally and turn it into someone saying “no” to their character. “No” can quickly spiral out of control in someone’s mind and morph into “You’re awful,” “How dare you,” “What’s wrong with you?” and so on.

No one is saying this to you, and the chances that someone is thinking this when they say no is also very low even if you think that’s what they’re really saying.

So many will do what this client did: they’ll give permission to do the exact thing they want, so there’s less risk for them if they don’t get it. See? You’re so nice for not trying to make anyone do what you want them to do and give them a chance to decide if they really want that!

But this is actually more awkward than flat-out asking for what you want… because giving permission puts pressure on the person to go out of their way to do the thing you gave them permission to do. Or, if someone is like me, they won’t do it because they don’t want to and then you end up disappointed because you didn’t get what you want.

If I feel it to be relevant with a client, I like to play with practicing no. Saying no, hearing no, accepting no, and realizing that I personally am a human being with my own thoughts, feelings emotions and comfort level and my no has absolutely nothing to do with how good of a person they are.

There's going to be a point when I'm not comfortable doing with doing something because I don’t want to. And that's okay. And if I say no, there may be other things that I can suggest if we both feel good about them. And that's okay too. And it’s okay if you don’t like my suggestions.

But I need to hear you ask for what you want. One thing I really worry about is when people say, “she looks like she could use a hug” and that sounds like you are predicting what that person needs. You might be right. But more often than not, you're probably perceiving discomfort or feeling discomfort yourself.

Giving isn’t just about who is getting an action done to them, but who is benefitting from the action. So you may want to be the giver in a cuddle session (the one providing touch to the other person), but in reality you may be receiving from them because you want to be able to give. By being able to give (and having a source to give to), you’re receiving from the person. And by them receiving from you, they’re actually giving to you.

This took me a long time for me to realize this. It wasn’t until maybe two years into doing professional cuddling that I finally realized that I was giving a lot to people by receiving from them and doing so graciously.

I began to accept it. I began to allow myself to enjoy the touch the way that they gave it to me. 

I also felt good about telling them how I want to be touched even though I knew it was for them. If I knew they wanted to give in a way that felt good for me, I wanted to tell them how I enjoyed touch.

Now it’s your turn. You're allowed to ask for exactly what you want for touch. I'd love for you to really think about it. We don't have to rush into cuddling for our session if you don’t know. I'd rather not.

I'd rather we explore what's possible because you might not even know what you're allowed to ask for. So what can you ask for? You can ask for whatever you want. I might say no.

But you're welcome to ask.