What happens if we meet in public?
Let me tell you about the first time I saw a client in public and what went down.
I usually go to the Starbucks near the T station by my house to do work on my laptop, meet with potential clients in person, co-work with friends, and generally just to get my dose of caffeine and rack up my Starbucks reward stars. (I really like their Vanilla Chai Lattes!)
This time, I was working with headphones off and from behind me I heard a familiar voice sit and begin talking with another person.
I recognized that voice. I knew exactly who that was.
It was the client that saw me weekly for an hour and a half for 3 months and suddenly stopped coming to see me without telling me why.
They didn't acknowledge me and I didn't turn around, so I imagined that they didn't notice me. I didn’t turn around and kept on working at my laptop.
But the entire time I was playing out how this would go down once we finally do turn around and see each other.
You see, 95% of my clients I most likely won’t run into again, but when we frequent similar geographic areas, it’s bound to happen. That said, you can expect this from me:
If you want to acknowledge my existence, you can. Go ahead, smile and wave to me! I’ll probably wave back if I see you. Nothing more has to happen than that.
If you want to say hi, you can do that too, but I won’t out you as a client even if someone asks how I know you. To be honest, it’s common that I forget my friends’ origin stories anyways since I make so many connections. If you out yourself, that’s a different story. But I won’t do it as I care about your privacy and confidentiality in sessions.
I won’t talk about sessions with you unless you bring them up. I might say something one on one if we left on a potentially questionable note (like I’m not sure I did something or you’re embarrassed for not coming back), but more likely since we’re in public I might just email you later.
I won’t be your emotional support outside of a session (unless I feel well-resourced to do so and want to). This is the one that seems to get my clients the most. I love having deep, meaningful conversations with you and I live for personal growth. Listening to heavy, shitty emotional conversations and being there in a meaningful way is something called emotional labor, and that’s something I’m not always able to do without setting aside emotional energy to do it like I would in sessions. This is why if you start to go into something heavier, I might pause you and let you know that I’m happy to talk about this another time, possibly in session, but not now. I feel so much compassion for you and your life, and I care about you enough that I want to make sure I show up in a way that is helpful for you, and that way is as a professional cuddler in our sessions.
Now back to Starbucks.
I was sad that this old client decided to stop seeing me since I felt we were doing good work together and I enjoyed seeing him, but I understand and typically won't fight people over coming to see me if they feel it's not serving them anymore. Something had felt off about how they were showing up to the past few sessions and I figured it had something to do with that. I brought up what I noticed and that was the last I saw of them.
But I still couldn't help but feel like it had something to do with me when they stopped seeing me, so I felt very self-conscious when I was sitting behind him. When he finally sees me, would he be happy to see me? Anxious? Try to avoid me? Want to pretend he doesn't know me? I still don't know if there was something I did that he didn't like! I didn't know how it would go down, and I felt anxious about what was in store for me.
So if you feel awkward when you see me from a distance in public, especially if we haven’t seen each other in a while, know that I probably feel a little awkward too. And I’m okay with that. I’m a former engineer, so I’m an expert at handling awkward.
I finally finished up my work and was going to move to another work space deeper in the city when I decided if I make eye contact with him I'll be friendly, but if I don't catch his eye I won't say anything.
Lucky me — he got up and turned around the same time I did, so we faced each other at the same time. Remember, I’m so, so good at handling awkward. But it also means I attract it sometimes like in this case.
"Hey there!" I said with a smile.
He seemed surprised but not upset. "What?! Hi there!"
A warm greeting, I thought. Alright, I'll go with how I usually greet everyone then. "Would you like a hug?"
"Absolutely!" He enveloped me in his arms and I stood closer to him so I could wrap my arms around him. Though I was fully immersed in this hug, I was very aware that there was another woman with him watching us. She did not seem jealous or alarmed, but she was watching us.
"Sam, this is my friend," he introduced me to her. I remember the name as he mentioned it to me in sessions a few times. This is someone he works with on creative projects. We said hi from across the table they were just sitting at.
Then he paused for a second. "Sam is my snuggler."
I think both his friend and I were surprised he said that. Not only was I surprised he outed himself so openly, but I felt a sense of validation when he said that Sam IS my snuggler and not WAS my snuggler.
His friend left shortly after and we talked for ten minutes about what's going on with him. Fairly shallow conversation, nothing too heavy. Until he brought something up about sessions for a moment and there was an odd pause on his end, I decided to throw this out there.
"Just so you know, there's no bad blood on my end from when you stopped seeing me."
He let that sink in for a moment. "Thank you," he said. "I do plan to see you again soon. You had noticed something in my last session. I'm getting medical treatment for that now."
That made so much more sense now! He was focused on more specialized treatment because of a larger health concern than what I can do. And I was a part of recognizing it! I felt so much compassion and tenderness for him hearing that he was taking his health very seriously, especially since in previous sessions it felt like he was not.
For the record, he did come back. It took him some time due to his other health concerns, and I’m sooo happy he went ahead to take care of himself.
So wherever we meet, I’ll follow your lead, protect your privacy, and be friendly with you. Because even if we’re not still seeing each other for sessions, I still care about you.