What's Generally Okay In a Cuddle Therapy Session With Me (That You Might Be Afraid to Ask)
"I'm just not sure if you're okay with me even asking it," he stammered out.
My new client was shaking a little bit as he sat in the orange chair I had up against the wall of my small, dedicated cuddle room. I sat on the edge of my queen-sized bed cross-legged, gazing intently back at him while he shifted in his seat, his shoulders nearly up to his ears.
I've heard this before. Sometimes this is something people might say before they ask for something that clearly is not what I do. Despite this idle worry that his request might have erotic undertones, I got this feeling that what he wanted was much more innocuous.
But I wouldn’t know unless he told me, so I leaned forward before asking him something I often ask people that know what they want but are afraid to ask it:
"Are you okay with asking, with the small chance that I might say? Because I do have body autonomy, but you likely won't offend me just by asking for what you want."
He stopped shifting in his seat and his shoulders lowered. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath in, then opened his eyes to look at me with a vulnerable uncertainty.
"C-can we... hold hands?"
My heart bursted with compassion. This small ask felt insurmountably huge to him? I felt a smile spread across my face and I shifted my position on the bed to let him sit up on it with me. "I'd like to! Thank you for asking."
It’s hard to say precisely what’s okay in a cuddle therapy session.
It’s because it depends on why you might be coming in for a session and what I can trust you with, because trusting you with my body is a vulnerable practice for me every time I do it.
What I’m okay with might be different from another cuddle therapist as well. That’s okay. We all have our own body autonomy and what we feel like we’re able to do. In fact, just based on the times I’ve had sessions where I was a little too sore after a hard gym workout, I just couldn’t do certain cuddle poses.
What I’m okay with might even differ from person to person. Everybody and every body is different, and sometimes it’s a matter of my body doesn’t bend that way, the way our bodies don’t fit into what I dub “cuddle tetris”, or something that would normally be innocuous for me and another person is wildly erotic for you. Intention is a varying factor with every single person.
I hate describing this work as platonic, but we don’t seem to have a better word in the English language to explain what sessions are and are not in one word. Platonic is a weird word to describe it because:
Common things that happen in sessions like holding hands, touching faces, or playing with each other’s hair could look less than platonic to someone from the outside looking in (which is why I struggle with government trying to regulate our work… if it’s not erotic in every scenario, how do you explain it?)
I’ve had people suggest to me that me using the words “platonic” or “nonsexual” ticks something in them in the back of their head that makes them suspect that it actually isn’t platonic and is sexual, and
I've also had someone legitimately ask me if I could “platonically” give them a blow job. (I wish I was joking about that. Apparently this is a term dudes might use to give each other fellatio but still maintain that they’re straight… you read that right.)
For these reasons, I don’t trust public opinion to define the word “platonic” to my benefit of the doubt, if I’m being completely honest.
Here in the United States, many basic ways of cuddling I do in sessions are also sometimes associated with actions that lead to romantic and sexual intentions. It's unfortunate because this not only limits how we can connect through touch with people overall (not just paid professional cuddlers like me), but it gatekeeps touch and puts a lot of pressure on our romantic and sexual partners to be the sole givers of the variety of touch we really want.
Screw that.
Holding hands from the outside looking in could be romantic. But what about when it's done with a parent? A fellow classmate? A teacher? At a funeral with a friend? Holding hands itself on its own is not necessarily romantic or sexual in every single context, so categorizing the action as such can further isolate us from touch in other areas of our lives.
What would it be like to have someone deeply nurturing, caring and connected with absolutely no romantic or sexual intentions whatsoever do any of these things:
Holding hands.
Letting you rest your head in my lap.
Laying my head on your chest.
Playing with each other's hair.
Giving or receiving light head scratches.
Nuzzling each others' shoulders and collar bones.
Lightly rubbing and holding my stomach.
Softly grasping our hip bones.
Gently stroking your face.
Letting you stroke my face.
Resting my warm, soft cheek against yours.
Giving or receiving shoulder rubs.
Giving or receiving foot rubs.
Spooning together, either one of us being the big spoon or little spoon.
Tracing the soft skin on each other's necks.
Brushing my calves and lower thighs with your fingertips.
Can you picture how that might feel for you? Can you picture it for yourself?
These are all things I enjoy and are generally perfectly acceptable to ask for in a session when coming from a place of nurturing, caring and connection. It doesn't have to mean anything more than that.
If you're still really not sure if I'd be okay with a specific request you have after reading this article, check to see if it’s on my definitely not okay list first.
Otherwise, I can brief you further on what to expect in a session in our 20-minute orientation video.